“The day I lost my 6 year old I remember vaguely, yet remember so well. I don’t know how else to describe it. I remember the very details of when I got in the ambulance, the dirt on the step to get in, and the look on my son’s face as he was stricken with terror to watch his mom leave with his big sister.  The moments before and after are really a blur. My daughter Safa had been sick for 2 years with an illness called Myasthenia Gravis. We had no idea she could die from it, so we were not expecting it. As I write this it has been 4 years and I see the blessings Allah SWT has given me leading me up to that moment.

My son Musa, who was 3 at the time, would not hug anyone except me. He was going through a phase. That morning though he gave Safa TWO hugs! Safa was so delighted and I said something along the lines of “oh wow what a special day”. When I stepped on that ambulance step, it was that moment I thought of and the dreaded thought came to my mind that I was going to lose my daughter. My husband was overseas at the time and trying to get a flight in. We were brought to Dublin Hospital first to the ER and then transferred to Nationwide Children’s where she passed the next morning. Family came in from all over and the waiting room was overwhelming. I was very calm. Everyone around me was crying and upset, so I remained calm. All I could think about was my Musa and how scared he must be and I stayed strong for him and my husband. I washed my daughter’s body and I remember when she was buried there was a relief that washed over us. We were happy to have fulfilled what Allah SWT wanted us to do. It felt like she was finally on her journey to her real home.

The purpose of that was to share how Allah SWT is with us throughout all of this, even if we feel alone. If you knew me, you would know I’m not a calm person and for me to keep it together was certainly a mercy from Allah. My son getting to hug his sister goodbye, also a huge blessing for him as he still remembers. I will tell you that by staying steadfast with your prayers, giving charity, and just doing your best to be the best Muslim you can will be your best way to get through your days. You feel a deeper bond with your Lord and even come to appreciate (yes, appreciate) that he gave you this test. That on the Day of Judgment you have this intercessor. It is SUCH  a hefty price to pay, but we all know Jannah is not easy, so look at the blessings of this test it will really help you immensely.

I can tell you that four years later I still have bad days where I cry and my heart is just broken, and it will be. This isn’t a loss like any other and you won’t get over it. But, you do learn to live with the pain and keep moving forward knowing that you have this child of Jannah tucked away in your heart.”

Jessica Ali is a mother of four, based in Chicago, IL.