As a clinical psychologist, I have met with many people who are enduring horrible experiences of grief. I feel privileged to witness their vulnerability and to be allowed into their stories, but it is difficult nonetheless. There are times when I have to recognize the limits of my own sympathy: I really can’t understand what you’re going through, I don’t know how you feel, and there are limits to the support I can provide. However, I have been consistently amazed at the resilience that I have seen from so many of the clients I have worked with, and they give me hope when I meet other individuals similarly stricken with grief. While I’m always learning, I am confident in the following four pieces of guidance:
- When it comes to grief, you’re probably not “doing it wrong.”
I often hear from patients something like “I haven’t been crying enough” or “I am taking this loss way harder than I should” or “I feel like I’m skipping around the stages of grief – what’s wrong with me?” People experience grief in different ways based on a number of different factors. There are some universals – an abrupt loss will take some time to fully sink in, for instance – but it’s not unusual for your experience of grief to deviate from what society expects of you.
- Don’t worry about how “strong” you are.
Whatever you do, don’t question your own strength. It’s not your job to be strong; it’s your job to be human. Others may tell you to be strong, or tell you how impressed they are with your strength, but there is only so much they can understand about what you are truly experiencing. If you’re feeling weak, that doesn’t mean that you are weak. It may not seem that you have much control over how you feel, but you do have a certain amount of control over how you cope, which I’ll focus on next.
- Honor your departed loved one.
Rites such as funerals, wakes, and religious services can be helpful in this respect, but there are plenty of other ways you can honor your loved one going forward. Ask yourself, “What was important to my loved one? What would they like their legacy to be? How can I help?” Oftentimes this takes the form of philanthropic endeavors, like raising money for a cause dear to the individual you lost, or perhaps fighting the affliction that took them from you, so that others might be less likely to suffer. This is a way that their impact can be felt positively by others after their death, but it is just as importantly a way that you can find meaning in your loss.
- Allow others to support you.
Find people who might be able to understand what you are specifically going through, and utilize them for support and guidance within their means. For your friends who might not truly understand but who you know care about you, ask them for whatever practical support you need. Think about what you would do for them if they were in a similar situation. When trusted friends say something like “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know,” then let them know. You’ve earned the support they are unconditionally offering you. But don’t grieve alone. In addition to the people already in your life, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a psychotherapist, preferably a provider who you have been referred to by someone you trust, and who understands your cultural viewpoint.
Dr. Ben Herzig, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Weston, MA specializing in psychotherapy and consultation for adolescents, adults, and couples.