People kept asking me how I was doing. I hated that question. I wanted to scream and cry and yell ‘How do you think i am doing? I lost my child’ in response. I snapped at a good friend when she asked me that question and asked her ‘What should I say? I have nothing to say that anyone wants to hear’. She said, say ‘Alhumdulillah’. I started saying that every time I was asked how I was. It helped immensely. It helped me to practice and internalize gratitude for the blessing of my daughter a little more everyday.
Alhumdulillah, always, ‘Praise for and Gratitude to Allah’. Even when I didn’t feel it, it helped to say it, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.
The best advice I received was to take it one step at a time. When my daughter passed away, every minute seemed overwhelming. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through my day much less the rest of my life. It helped to just focus on getting through a fixed time period and not think of what came after. On some days, I tried to get through the time between prayers. On other days, I got through one hour and only then thought of the next hour. Don’t worry about how you will live through tomorrow without your child, focus on getting through today.
Most people mean well. Try and forgive them for the upsetting things they say by focusing on their intention. And if it is really upsetting, then speak to them and explain how they can be helpful.
People do not know what to say or do for you. They want to help but they do not know how. They are scared of saying something that will make it worse. Despite that, many people will unintentionally make unhelpful or hurtful remarks. I struggled for a couple of years with things people said or did that reignited my pain and grief. Some people would become silent when I spoke about my daughter and try and change the topic. Others would give advice despite not having gone through what I was going through. Some would make comments that were meant to help but had the opposite impact. It is hard. It is an unfortunate consequence of a society where, Alhumdulillah, a child’s death is unusual and people are not equipped to handle it. I was able to speak to some close family and friends and ask them not to say certain things as they upset me. Others I chose to ignore. It was not easy. I tried to focus on the fact that people meant well and that before I had lost my daughter, I too would not have known what to say or do. Try and give people the benefit of the doubt. If you need to tell someone that you do not wish to speak about your child or that what they are saying is making your grief worse, go ahead and tell them. Family and close friends will want to help and they will understand.
Remember that everyone’s loss is different, but everyone’s loss is hard.
The loss of a child can be experienced in various ways. On one end, it is the loss of an adult child, having spent many years holding them, raising them and having experienced a range of milestones related to them. On the other end, it is a late miscarriage or a stillbirth, losing a life carried inside a mother along with all the hopes, prayers and dreams attached to that life. In between, is a range of child loss experiences. In my deep grief, I felt no one could experience a loss like mine. You are right to think that no one else can understand your pain because everyone’s experience of grief is different. However, everyone’s experience is hard. In that, you share a common bond.
Following the point above, I used to get upset and angry if someone talked about their struggles with health, family or money. My loss seemed to tower over the personal problems of others. Over the years, I have come to understand that every single person’s test in life is immensely difficult for them. Allah knows what test you are able to bear but it is a test that has to be borne with sabr (patience & perseverance), it is a struggle. It is helpful to keep that in mind when faced with someone else who is struggling, at a time when you only have the stamina to focus on your own struggle. It helped me to be more understanding and sensitive when people discussed their problems.
Our test lies in what we say and how we act, NOT in what we are feeling
Allah SWT created us with feelings and emotions. It is only human to feel a variety of difficult emotions; grief, despair, sadness, hopelessness, anger. Try to not feel guilty about how you are feeling, you cannot control how you feel. Our beautiful deen (religion/faith) does not require that of us during such a painful test. We may not be able to control how we feel but we can try and control what we say and how we act. Our deen requires us to refrain from saying or doing something displeasing to Allah and to put our faith and trust in Him. We are, however, allowed to be human and to feel emotions. Tears are a mercy from Allah, and even the Prophet (SAW) cried at the death of his son Ibrahim, and his grandson.
Narrated Usama: Once a daughter of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) sent a message to Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) while Usama, Sa`d, and my father or Ubai were (sitting there) with him. She said, (in the message); My child is going to die; please come to us.” Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) returned the messenger and told him to convey his greetings to her, and say, “Whatever Allah takes, is for Him and whatever He gives is for Him, and everything with Him has a limited fixed term (in this world): so she should be patient and hope for Allah’s reward.” Then she again sent for him swearing that he should come; so The Prophet (ﷺ) got up, and so did we. When he sat there (at the house of his daughter), the child was brought to him, and he took him into his lap while the child’s breath was disturbed in his chest. The eyes of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) started shedding tears. Sa`d said, “What is this, O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)?” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “This is the mercy which Allah has lodged in the hearts of whoever He wants of His slaves, and verily Allah is merciful only to those of His slaves who are merciful (to others).’ (Sahih al-Bukhari 6655, english reference Vol. 8, Book 78, Hadith 649)
Narrated Anas bin Malik: We went with Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) to the blacksmith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet). Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif’s house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) started shedding tears. `Abdur Rahman bin `Auf said, “O Allah’s Apostle, even you are weeping!” He said, “O Ibn `Auf, this is mercy.” Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 1303, Eng Vol. 2, Book 23, Hadith 390)
It is recorded from Jabir Ibne Abdulla Ansari that: The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) held the hand of Abdur Rehman Ibne Auf and took him to Ibrahim, his son, when Ibrahim was in his last moments. The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) took him in his lap and began to weep. Abdur Rehman Ibne Auf said: ‘you are weeping? And you had yourself prohibited weeping?’ The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) replied: ‘No, but I had prohibited two kinds of cries of foolish and sinful people: The cry at the time of a calamity, and tearing at the face and the collar. And the second is crying like Shaitan. And there is more in this narration. Abu Isa says that this hadith is good.(Sahih Tirmizi, 4:226, Kitabul Janaiz)
“Sadness is an awakening. It can truly center us, ground us in this many times overwhelming world. To embrace sadness entirely and not to be distracted from it eventually creates more room for joy to grow. Instead of numbing ourselves against intense emotions, what if we delve into each so we can know it, own it truly, experience it fully, let it move through us.
Otherwise trying to protect ourselves from intense feelings just means we dread them as something we shouldn’t allow to take over. That emotions have some power over you and are greater than yourself. Sadness is a deep gorge but it is neither bottomless nor broader than your imagination.
And once you do own it – let the tears, sobbing, shaking, unfettered expression just come – something clicks into gear and happy thoughts, memories, vibrations, even warm sensations are corralled by your body and heart to confront Sadness by recognizing it’s validity but reminding it that it is not all powerful.
When we feel and connect to our own raw emotions more, our minds and hearts are open and present to love more, learn more, do more, be more. What else is the meaning and purpose of this life.” Afeefa Syed
Cry if you need to. Do not cry if you cannot. But do not feel guilty about your tears either way.
If you need to cry, cry. Please don’t allow anyone else, no matter how well meaning, to tell you it is wrong to cry, or that it is a sign of ingratitude to Allah or of not accepting His Will.
“When someone sees your heartache and they attempt to shame you for your emotions; guilt you into believing you have no right to your tears or raw pain if you truly believed in God’s decree, then tell them:
I’m crying because the Prophet Muhammad cried at his mother’s grave decades after she had passed away. I’m crying because Virgin Mary cried out while giving birth to Christ, utterly alone in the desert. I’m crying because Jacob wept over and over for his son Joseph. I’m crying because Noah cried out to his son in a final effort to save him. I’m crying because the heart of the mother of Moses broke as she placed her newborn in the river.I’m crying because even the most dedicated to God, may He shower them with His peace, were allowed to cry. It didn’t diminish the strength of their faith. Crying to God strengthened them.
Having God doesn’t mean your life is easy or perfect. It means that regardless of the overwhelming dark, you know you’ll always be able to reach out to The Light.” Maryam Amir
If you find you cannot cry, don’t be harsh on yourself. The loss of a child is a massive shock to your physical, emotional and psychological self. It rips your sense of security into pieces and shakes your worldview like nothing else can. I found I could not cry for weeks after my daughter passed away. My husband could not cry for months after. Our minds could not comprehend what had happened. We were in shock for a very long time. We functioned to get through our days but we felt frozen. We thought something was wrong with us because we could not cry. We wondered what kind of parents could not cry for their daughter. But we understand now that even that reaction was a mercy from Allah, it was our body and mind’s self defense mechanism, to allow us to process what had happened, to allow the tears to come in their own time. Sometimes it can take days, weeks, months and even years for tears to come. Many times they will come at unexpected times or places. Be kind to yourself. If you cannot cry right now, trust that there is Allah’s wisdom in that as well.